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Monday, August 29, 2005

Craigslist funnies....

Something forwarded by a friend...guaranteed a laugh or at least a smirk. Crazy posts from ppl over at Check these out: 1. I come with a $1 million guarantee - m4w - 35

That's right, unlike the competition, I have a solid-gold, firmer than firm, $1 million guarantee: You give me $1 million, and we can do it any way you want. Like the reverse cowgirl? Just call me Trigger. Traditional missionary? I will spread your gospel. Want it from behind while I pull your hair and shout "Wasmyname, be-atch?" I'm your own abusive rap star. Sideways, up the ass, between your boobs, any which way from Sunday - I. Will. Do. It. You want to fly to Brazil and do it upside down in the airplane bathroom while making chimpanzee noises? I'll take some of that. I'll even do you bent over the stewardesses drink cart. Straddle me while we do 80 m.p.h. down I-95 at three in the morning? All over it. What I'm all about here, is 100 percent customer satisfaction. I guarantee you that your $1 million will get you exactly what you ask for. Think about that. You think you can get a house built for a mil, and get it done the way you've asked? Hell no. Builders fuck you. Think you can buy a small business and have all your employees do everything you tell them to do? You've obviously never owned a business. In a world of declining expectations, I stand, pecker in hand, as a monument to a time when $1 million could get you what you goddamn well asked for. That's my commitment to quality. Also willing to fuck for a good pizza.
2. STOP fake jogging around my block just to bump into me
To the fat, sweaty man with the curl in his hair and the impossible dream in his probably hypertrophied heart: You are obviously the type who would pour all of his hope and loneliness into a missed connection ad, so I figured I would beat you to the punch and save you some time, some anxious waiting, and many miles of pretend jogging. For several days in a row now you have taken great pains (I can hear you wheezing old boy, you should look into an inhaler) to orchestrate a series of "coincidences" between you and me. I open the door, I unlock the security gate, and there you are without fail right next to my stairs, smiling up at me, suddenly stopping to mop your glistening brow and bending over for a breather, exhaling triumphantly as if you've just broken that untouchable record you set for Georgetown track and field so many years ago. Yes, I know you bleed Hoya blue. So I have a few questions for you, running man. First off, who do you think you're fooling? Do you expect me to believe that the Fates want so badly for us to unite our energies that our lives are running on synchronized, parallel courses that allow you to be "jogging" up to my steps at the exact moment I happen to be leaving for work everyday? Bitch, please. I mean, I'm a young lady of considerable imaginative capabilities, but this is more far fetched than the plot of "Encino Man". I know you are a fake jogger and a real creep because sometimes I leave at 9 am, and sometimes I leave well after 10. You clearly don't run for 2 hours every morning, as your heaving beer belly is the first sweet inch of your physique I see when you approach. I have good reason to believe you wait in that car that is always at the corner for the sound of my door opening, and I know that you look at my ass everytime I pass you. My last question to you is, what kind of game do you think you're going to run on me? You clearly don't have a job if you have all this free time to take to the streets, you are pasty and dull, and you look way too old for that iPod. I am a precocious, nubile, 18-year-old scientist with more achievements to her credit than you could shake your jowls at. So, old boy, I advise you to find a new route for your fake jogging, or just something else to do with your time. Lifetime is now showing the follow up series to Golden Girls -- The Golden Palace. It's pretty funny, and Don Cheadle is on it. Yeah, I know, I don't get it either, but you should watch it, because here's what: it wouldn't take more than a pack of cigarettes to coerce that junkie with the push cart full of Tidy Cat and trash bags to punch you in your fat neck if you don't watch it. Fondly, Girl in the White Brick House
3. RE: Get Real (Only Size Matters..) - 33 - 99
OVERCOMING THE SMALL DICK SEMINAR Guys, the word is official, a big package rules beyond all else. According to a CL poster who represents all women of the world, there is nothing more important in life and love than a big salami. Ever wondered: * Why you are stuck in that dead end job? * If your seemingly satisfied wife or girlfriend really is as satisfied in your sexual performance and relationship as she appears to be? * If every woman you have ever been with who wanted to blowtorch your house after you ended it really had some deep seated psychological problem that only you and your small member could cure? * If everyone really DOES have X-Ray specs and is judging you on the stats of your pocket pal? * If all that laughter in the world is really about you? THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM COULD BE PENIS SIZE DISSATISFACTION!! SMALL COCK HOLDING YOU BACK IN LIFE FROM ATTAINING ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS? TIRED OF ENLARGEMENT PROGRAMS THAT SIMPLY DON'T WORK? THEN... ******FEAR NO MORE********** JOIN US at the BIG DICK SEMINAR this weekend, at the Marriott in Tyson's Corner Virgina You might not be able to change your actual penis size, but you can change how you feel about it! Join us for two inspirational, informatation packed days with other men, JUST LIKE YOU, that don't think they've got what it takes to make it in this world. You'll learn: * Powerful Visualization Techniques - Proven to GIVE YOU THE CONFIDENCE THAT ONLY A MASSIVE, THICK VEINED, TREE TRUNK COCK CAN PROVIDE. * Big Enough For The Job - How to see yourself in that great job, that you are totally qualified for except that your COCK JUST ISN'T BIG ENOUGH * The Top Ten Secrets of persuasion that make the world think you have a bigger cock than you do * Super Stroke - Information that was once available only to elitist cocksmen, the secret to long slow stroking that gives the impression that your cock is much longer than it really is. * Valuable Penis Tips - You'll hear from some of today's most powerful men with small to medium sized cocks, that turned that shorty into a sporty, JUST BY CHANGING THE WAY THEY VIEWED THEMSELVES HANDS ON Participant Workshop Topics include: * Girth, what's it really worth? * When 10 inches just isn't enough * Overcoming envy at the urinal - Why we look, how we can stop * Measuring in Metrics - How a bigger number breeds confidence * Mine, Yours, His - Facing the penis head on REMEMBER - We can't do much about the card nature dealt us, but we can THINK BIG! NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SIZE after just two incredible days you will be able to picture yourself with at least two more inches of length, one of girth. You'll feel like your penis is 10, 12, 15, 20 inches, hell, several feet! You'll picture yourself so big in the work world that you'll be able to fuck your way to success, sticking it to the senior guy two cubicles away! You'll imagine yourself fucking women with a dick so big that it will come out of their mouths, no! bigger! You'll impale her with a cock SO BIG that you will hear her vagina actually ripping apart! You'll be able to imagine yourself SO BIG that her entire torso will give way, bones will break, she will be one bloody organ exposed mess...YOU ARE SO BIG!! NOTHING WILL STOP YOU from seeing yourself with a cock so big that you can pole vault across the ocean on it and show all the European hotties a thing or two. You'll be able to fuck your neighbor, IN HER HOME, without leaving your house! So don't delay! Given the number of average sized guys in this world, we expect the membership to this seminar will expand to beyond capacity! BOX LUNCH PROVIDED. This commercial advertisement is in response to: Wow.. seems like all the small guys can't handle the truth. When I mentioned that guys with the big ones get better jobs I meant that: A well hung stud has a much higher confidence level then a small guy, and it shows in the real world.. Ohh, and I'm sure if a well hung stud wore some tight knickers and a buldge was evident intimidate others and give him the edge in business. Small guys.. get over it


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